21-12-25 Trying to Live a Life I Can Be Proud Of

I visited my mum recently and realised we have so much in common. I love her and she's not necessarily doing bad, but she's not particularly happy or fulfilled, and I'm scared my life is going to turn out like hers. She got a christmas card from her cousin and I noticed there was a large paragraph of writing inside. She told me, "I'll read that later, we had a falling out this year because I was in a depressive episode and I kept cancelling plans to see her."

Last week, I cancelled plans to see my closest friends who I hadn't seen for months, opting to stay in bed instead. Truthfully, I didn't cancel, I just didn't turn up, and ignored their calls and texts. I guess I can blame my mental health; no healthy person would do that, right? But I think my anxiety has too much of a say in my decisions. I still havent apologised to them, or reached out at all. My mum is 50, lonely and unfulfilled. I see myself in her. Don't all people looks at their parents and think "I'm going to be happier than you, and more successful"? Or is that a cruel and selfish thing to think? Either way, I think I'm doing worse than her already. I'm 19 and I'm already lonely, but I have time to turn that around. I really want to live a life I can be proud of, surrounded by people I love. All I can do is be hopeful and try. Human interaction is both the scariest and most urgent thing to me right now. I'm realising that there is truly nothing more important than people breathing the same air.