12-12-25

Hello world. I started making this website 2 days ago and I'm really proud of how it's going. I think, honestly, this project started as a way to procrastinate my uni work (I should be at a lecture at the moment I'm writing this), but also because I realised I don't really have any hobbies. I'd like to think I'm a creative person, but, like many people, I spend most of my time watching youtube videos or tikoks or scrolling on twitter. I don't want to waste my life like that. Making this website was my introduction into learning how to code, and I'm hoping it can be a document of my interests, thoughts, projects, and pretty much whatever I want. This has to be a better way to pass the time than social media, and at least this space is truly mine.

To be honest, at the time of writing this, I am not doing well. I haven't turned up to my lectures in weeks, I don't have much of a social life, and I'm extremely anxious about my uni project. I'm studying photojournalism and I'm learning that it doesn't work well with my social anxiety and imposter syndrome. I have no good reason to not be in a lecture right now, I would probably feel less stressed if I actually showed up. I think showing up to things should be my New Year's Resolution. I haven't been eating well because I haven't had the energy to cook and I don't want to have any awkward conversations with my flatmates. I don't have a job. I waste the little money I do have. I feel like a failure. But I also feel like I'm still a child, I'm only 19, it's okay to not have anything figured out - right?

Today might be a bad day but I am hopeful for the future. I'm hoping that this website will be the start of a new chapter for me, where I consume less and create more. I'm going to read and learn and cook and make things. I like writing, I like taking photos (despite my crippling anxiety that everyone else on my course is more skilled than me), I like making things in general. Maybe I will learn that sharing the things I make isn't actually as scary as I think it is. Maybe documenting this will help me hold myself accountable.